Hi, sorry it’s taken this long to write again. I’ve been off the rails (at least about every 3 weeks or so since last year) and not motivated to write about what haunts me on a daily basis and what I try to ignore when I’m in the thick of it–“it” being my food addiction. Why do I have so much trouble writing on this subject?

I guess it’s because I don’t want to look at it, especially when I’m in the midst of “cheat” mode and don’t want to talk about it, would rather look away. This addiction, and that’s what it is, goes way back to when I was little and I had the same compunctions then as I do now, where I can’t stop eating something that tastes so good, sometimes even if it doesn’t taste so good, like some ice cream and other dessert “foods” that, these days, seem to be tasteless to me. But still I keep eating it until it’s gone.

And when I do find something I really like, I keep buying it and then, once it’s in the house, have to finish it, and then swear I won’t buy it again, and then buy it again. Or I should say, “order” it again, since that’s easier and faster (and more expensive–let’s not talk about the expense of food addiction!).

Then, I immediately am mad at myself for ordering it (usually ice cream, though can be other things like baked goods, choc candy, cookies, etc.) but then have this excitement for when it’s on its way, and then after it arrives, gobble it up until it’s gone, swearing, “That’s it, no more,” and then the next day, I’m “good” aga, but that night, I’m back ordering it again.

Then I go a while without doing this routine, maybe I’ll last 3 weeks, and then out of nowhere, my brain will seize, and before I know it, I’m ordering again, and then off and running for the next few days or a week or weeks…until I wake up (almost literally, since this routine and the ingesting of this kind of “food”(?) tends to put me in a kind of stupor from one day to the next, falling away from my usual daily tasks and appointments, can’t sleep, getting up late, etc.)

The other thing that bugs me is this weird compulsion I have to finish any “treats” in the house once I buy them. I’m one of those who they say if you’re going to cheat, go out and get an ice cream and then be done w/it, rather than bring anything home and have it in the house. Bingo! But I rarely do that. It’s part of the takeover of my brain that won’t allow it. The “ism” they used to talk about in AA in alcoholism which stands for the “Incredibly Short Memory” that kicks in, of all the reasons you quit in the first place. And for me it’s not just the weight loss, and not even the physical ailments that get exacerbated by certain foods and “natural flavorings”, etc., but just the weird headspace I get into, the food obsession where it’s all I can think about = “Do I want ice cream? Yes. Should I have it? No, but I’m going to anyway, but then I’ll need to have more, and then I’ll gain weight again and get those horrible reactive nose symptoms which will torture me more, and…and…and….”

Well, it’s been about 5 months since I wrote (reminds me of when I was a Catholic and went to confession: “Bless me father, it’s been five months since my last confession….”). And this blog is that–one big confession. Anyway, as I was speaking of AA, I remember another of their slogans (they have a lot of them, most quite helpful): “You have to give it away to keep it.”

So I’m seeing this blog as a way of giving it away, in other words, in the attempt to say something that may help someone out there, I can perhaps give away my food-sobriety (which I do have for the most part, except the past few weeks—I’m starting again tomorrow!—where have you heard that before?) so I can give away the bit of food-briety I have (I did lose 60 lbs, another 40-ish to go) and in the giving of it away, maybe I can keep it, the food-briety, that is. So there’s a selfish motive behind this writing. I call it motivation, it sounds nicer.

Well, I’ll leave my rambling at that. Thanks for listening and to those of you who “Liked” my first post, a hearty thank you. I hope to write here more regularly in the (near) future.

Be well and happy days on your weight loss trip!

Val